So, in February I got scouted in India to be an extra in a Bollywood movie.
To cut a long story short, it turned out to be an advert for curry powder and not the big Bollywood debut I was promised. Oh well. I got given brandy all day and had a speaking part in front of the camera so happy days.
Oh, another note, my speaking part got dubbed over in the end. Guess it was too cockney (or rather mockney) for them. And it wasn’t my choice to have a side-parting.
Here it is.
Been well busy on this island. There’s laods to do and see, so happy days. Though, its currently pissing it down which is shite. Especially as Facebook is ablaze with the love of summer in London. Wankers! Oh well, 7 more days and I’ll be there lapping it up too. With a can of Magners in my hand. Mmmmmmmm, Magners. OH! I’ve had my mash potato fix. Holy shitflaps. It was epic. Get this – amazing mash potato, creamy as, topped with scrambled egg, then mozzarella, then grilled. With some herbs on the top. Sounds like the chef has special needs right? Its incredible. Im taking that dish home with me. Its the future kids, I’ve tasted it.
Right, got that out the way. You’re welcome.
I was hanging when I did my last blog after my 4 day bender of a birthday. So I just sat on the internet all day, did sweet FA, didn’t even leave the guest house. Except to go back to this amazing Indian place I found. Well, I say ‘I’ found. I was actually taken there by a group of locals I met on a night out. They were awesome. Bought us drinks n stuff. Then I lost Jamie and Gail so they took me for an Indian at 4am. Then went back to their house to party but, I was convinced one of them was a ladyboy so, I just did a runner. Right after I said “Oi, I can see your cock hanging out your skirt…”. Wise move Matt, well done boy. She laughed. But, didn’t deny it…
Next day we got bikes and hit the road, went round the island to this cable car which is wicked! Takes you right up this mountain or volcano, what ever it is, its big and covered in dense jungle. As you go up its silent except for the sound of jungle creatures and the waterfall in the distance. It takes like 20 minutes to get up and its such a beautiful ride. Though, Im not good with cable cars. Or heights. I was shitting it a little bit. If that cable snaps, you’re fucked. The drop was huge. I tried to man up but, it didn’t work. Got to the top and the views are incredible. Clouds swirling up and over the mountain, with the cool mist covering you which was ace seeing as it was so hot that day. You could see the Thai island of Koh Lipe in the distance, and eagles soaring beneath you. Best 6 quid I’ve ever spent. After that we went to the waterfall, at the top there’s something called The Seven Pools. Just a load of natural pools at the top. But, you can slide between them! It was quality, we were all like little kids sliding down this big natural waterslide on our arses. Me and Jamie went down together, he was between my legs, I held on to his tits, great photo of us looking like 8 year olds. As we drove back we kept beeping at monkeys and trying to hit them. I hate the little long tailed bastards, always trying to steal your food and get in your room. Chasing them at 50mph whilst beeping, seeing them shit themselves is so much fun. Wankers.
Went out for a curry (again), then as we hit the beach the weather just turned. I’ve not seen rain like it. We got stuck under a little wooden shelter thing with a hatched roof for what seems like ages. Thankfully we had a bottle of whiskey so we just sheltered and played drinking games. Whilst watching the lightning crack and light up the whole beach and surrounding islands. Amazing stuff. After a while we thought fuck this, lets just get to the bar. So, did my belt up to the Sprinting notch (oh yeah, theres one for sprinting, walking and eating in case you wondered), took my flops off and just went for it. You couldnt see me for dust. Only problem was, I sprinted straight past the bar, and ended up at some posh restaurant. I almost ran through the fucking fence. Loads of bewildered onlookers sat there eating dinner and staring at this sopping wet, heavily breathing twat in skinny jeans. I looked like a fucking rapist. So, the ‘bar’ I thought I was looking at with bright lights all over it in the ditance was actually a restaurant. When I got there, I just went “fuuuuuuUUUUUCK!” Again, didn’t help my situation of looking like a fucking rapist. So I just casually strolled through the restaurant, picked up this brolly next to some woman, opened it whilst walking, then strolled right out of the restaurant and headed back to the bar. I think she was too in shock to say anything! jamie and Gail pissed themselves when I turned up, I ran so far down the beach it was mental. Anyway. We got drunk then jumped in some pool. Gail got home to find a leech on her leg. Its riddled with them here. Every time I see one I feel physically sick.
So I’ve had a few blond moments here. Obviously you can’t get pork in a lot of places. So I thought the ‘bacon’ we were eating for breakfast was just pretty shit. Turns out its beef. And it says beef bacon on the menu. I just thought it was two separate words. And then I asked if its OK to drink tap water if you boil it. Thats just two of the corkers I’ve come out with.
Got bikes out again and hit up this place called Crocodile Farm. They farm crocodiles apparantly. But, they put on a show twice a day. So first we went to the hot springs. It was shit and all the pools were so manky theres not a chance of me getting in there. Then we went to black beach. That was also shit. So we didn’t have much hope for the Croc Farm. But, it was pretty good! The show consisted of two guys in a cage with a 16 foot crocodile, poking it with a stick and pissing it right off. Mental! It was so big it actually blew my mind. I was nervous just looking at it! Then these two maniacs were sitting on it, putting their hand in its mouth, all sorts. Fuck that. Then we walked ropund and saw them feeding them all. I hate crocdiles, shit scared of them. But, we did see a spastic one. Its back just formed a hump, like a camel, and it had little Jeremy Beadle hands. Unlucky mate. Survival of the fittest? You’re knackered!
After that it started chucking it down. And I mean properly chucking it down. The wind was mental. Driving in it felt like being in a shower of skittles, well hurt when it hits you in the face! I KNEW I should’ve taken my Universal Studios rain mac with me. Almost got blown off at one point near the airport. Crazy stuff. Not as crazy as the night though.
So we’ve met this lad Hehad from Syria. He is top class. He’s also 7 foot one. He makes me look tiny. Top laugh though. That night we went out with a group of girls we’ve met here so there was loads of us. Went to a club and it was pretty good, taking the piss out of the band cos they’re all miming. Then it all kicks off. One local fucker just picked on Hehad cos of his size. As we left he picked up a stool and chucked it at him, then bundled Hehad to the ground and about 20 locals all joined in to kick the shit out of him. So Jamie jumped on him, trying to cover him and protect him, whilst I was just throwing punches left right and centre. I got clocked in the mouth, nothing big, but then a knife got pulled so we all bundled in a taxi and got the fuck out of there. When we turned up to the next club, loads of locals and security heard about the fight, some even saw it, so Hehad got free drinks and looked after. The owner said he’s welcome back anytime. We got given a bottle of vodka. Hence why I don’t really remember much of the night and had to be told about it the next day! After the club we went for a curry at 4am, then jumped in a pool.
Woke up at 2am the next day. The girls didn’t even surface til 6pm ha! We checked the weather report and it said its gonna be raining until we go home. Its monsoon season now and all the horrible dark clouds float down from Thailand. So we trotted off to this big local food festival thats been advertised all over the place. There were two local lads on stilts dressed up as a clown. When Hehad walked in they looked absolutely baffled. You should’ve have seen their faces. Hehad stood next to them and they were pretty much the same height! After that we just chilled out at the guest house, played pool and tucked in to gin & tonics. Went to the bar, ran in the sea, jumped in the pool, then got a curry delivery at 5am. Amazing stuff. I didn’t stop laughing all night. Actually, we got in to trouble with this woman who runs the guest house. Now, she is a short dumpy little thing, no oil painting bless her. We’re in our room listening to music, talking shit to each other, the usual. Hehad is in the doorway having a smoke, he’s telling a story or something, then he just looks to his right, stops talking and goes “Oh, here’s that fucking ugly thing..” Then straight away, just as Im thinking ‘what the hell is he on about?’, behind him out of the dark pops up the woman who has a right face on and looks like something out of fucking Shrek. I absolutely lost it. I was gone. I’ve never laughed so hard in my life. Wee came out. I was crying. She told us to shut the fuck up and walked off, but I couldn’t stop. Jamie even sat on top off me with his hands over my mouth trying to get me to stop. Didn’t work at all. She came back, so I hid under the bed and Jamie got in the shower, leaving Gail and Hehad to face her wrath.
Even now, when ever I think of that, I start laughing. It was perfect timing. You couldn’t write that sort of shit.
So, Saturday. Just a beach day but, the Syrian massacre happened. I read about it during the day and thought Hehad did as well. We never spoke about it. But, turns out he hadn’t. He read about it later that night and, he was distraught. I’ve not seen something like that and it hit me pretty hard. I don’t think anyone he knows was caught up in it but fuck. 32 kids dead. Now, you read that sort of shit all the time with Iraq and Afghanistan and, you just get desensitised to it all. You can’t relate to it. Until you experience something like that. What sort of government makes that kind of decision, puts the order in to the army, and then a deluded Sargent carries it out with a shitload of brain-washed soldiers. Its fucking madness. But its the same as when I went to Cambodia but never really knew who Pol Pot was. You kind of wake up to reality a bit when you experience things like that. Pretty deep.
So, rather than end on that note, thought I’d leave with another tale. So, in Cherating there was a little goat sitting on a chair by the toilet of this restaurant. it was brilliant. I was feeding it huge cloves of garlic, shitloads of lemongrass, anything I couldn’t eat from my noodle soup. It was loving it. Then I fed it a chillie. Now, if you ever want to do something that immediately makes you feel like a complete and utter wanker, feed a whole chillie to a little goat. Before I had even finished chewing it jsut stood up and started pissing all over the place. Then it was twisting its head around all over the place. He must’ve thought ‘What on EARTH is going on?! I’ve properly fucked it, I am in Barney Rubble.’ he started wiping his lips over over the table, covering it in drool. At this point, I was just backing away whilst looking at him with a sorry face on, thinking what a fucking wanker I am! Went back to the table, paid, and left.
One night Jamie picked up a kitten and put it in his pocket. That was pretty funny. The kitten loved it.
So, think this might just be my last blog. Home in 6 days. The end of my trip. I cannot wait to head home and tear it up but, I’m starting to get all soppy n that knowing my trips coming to an end. Its been fucking amazing. I’ve been to 4 countries, I’ve seen the slums of Mumbai, I rode the Transformers ride in Singapore 3 times, I’ve climbed a volcano in Lombok and been to 3,762 metres above sea level, I’ve been on 11 flights in just under 5 months, I’ve been on more islands than I can remember, I’ve seen wild orangutans in Sumatra, I’ve seen burning bodies in northern India, I got done by customs for smuggling booze in to Singapore, I threw elephant shit at an elephant in Malaysia (and hit him on the arse), and I’ve almost been hit by a train in the south of India. And its all about to come to an end.
What a fucking crazy 5 months I’ve had. x
Cherating is the most boring place in Malaysia. Fact.
Thinking of going? Don’t bother.
Its like a ghost town. Even the restaurants and bars can’t be bothered to open up on some days. And the beach is shit. The sea is hotter than a bath, and beers are expensive, so you can’t even drink to get through it or give yourself something to do. We managed to convince a local to drive to the shops for us to get a crate in and at least have some beers that weren’t at an overly-inflated price.
Went to the Elephant sanctuary which is actually nearer KL on the West coast than it was to Cherating on the East coast! Took us over 3 hours to get there, but it was in a taxi (again, got a top price with a local fella who was so nice bless him) so the ride wasn’t too bad. Turns out the sanctuary look after elephants who no longer have a home in the wild due to deforestation. Herds just wander through towns and villages sometimes cos they’ve no where to go, so they rescue them and relocate them elsewhere. The ones at the sanctuary were either young or knackered. One had a foot missing, and one had a tail missing cos he lost out to a tiger! As they were trying to flog bananas to you to feed the elephants, one of the guides came up to me and Jamie and whispered “D’you want ot volunteer to feed the elephants?”. I almost bit his hand off, jumped at the chance! Pffffff, pay a quid for some bananas, or get in the cage with ‘em? Defientely volunteering. He wouldn’t let Gail do it, which at first we thought was really weird, but later realised she dodged a massive bullet with that one.
So, we went round the back of the cages leaving the other deluded tourists peeling banases then giving it to them. They’re elephants, they’ll eat the fucknig stalk mate, let alone the banana skin! Dopey bastards, sometimes I really do hate tourists! Anyways, I digress. Got round the back and the guide shoved a massive machette in our hands, pulled out a huge crate of papaya, and said “Right, chop that lot up in to chunks, and make sure your careful. We want the elephants to stay vegetarian if you get what I mean.” And then fucked off! We just looked at each other and thought, happy days! I’ve got a fucking machette! Got through the crate after what seemed like ages. Then, he demanded where to put the buckets of fruit, we had to lug huge bunches of sugar cane around, we were sweating our tits off! I was knackered, and literally couldn’t see what I was doing after a while for sweat in my eyes. We had to line all the fruit up outside the cage. After that, he said “Right, when the elephants all come out for the tourists and introduce themselves, come back here and as a special treat, you can feed the elephants.” As a special treat? I’ve just done your job! I should be on the fucking pay roll here son! So, did as we were told. Came back, Gail asked if she could come back and take photos whilst we fed them. Again, the guide said no. So off we trotted. One of us had to chuck fruit at the damn elephants to distract it, whist the other one squeezed between the bars, dumped the sugar cane and fruit in a pile on the floor, then got the fuck out before it turned around and charged at us. Oh yeah, well fun. Volunteering? More like getting mugged off in broad day light! Still, at least I had a go on a machette.
After that, we had a go on an elephant. He took me round this track, I didn’t really wanna do it but thought ‘I’ve just driven over 3 hours to come here, may as well tick the box’. Then, we got in the river and 3 elephants got in so we could wash them. Now, there must have been like 40 tourists there all gawping and oooing and aaaaaahring at them. One of them took a massive shit so 3 cannon balls of turd were floating downstream towards us. Everyone was trying to get out the way, then Jamie got his ‘triple dare’ revenge. Now, a couple of days ago as we were eating our Koko Krunch breakfast, I tripled dared him to do half a spoon of chocolate cereal, with the other half topped up with chilli sauce. Now, with a triple dare, you cannot say no. So he did it, poured the sauce on which made me gag, then took a massive mouthful and got it all in, at which point I gagged again, then he swallowed the lot. It was revolting, but he did it. Top lad. Now its my turn…
As these yellow balls of shit were coming towards us, Jamie turned to me, looked me in the eye and said “I TRIPLE dare you to chuck a turd at the elephant.”
Fuck sakes Jamie, you fucking BASTARD!
So, with all the tourists watching, and in one foul swoop, I delved my hand in to the river, scooped up the biggest one (it was still a bit gooey), then launched it back at the elephant that did the shit. I hit him straight on the arse. It made a massive slap noise. That was quickly followed by gasps from disapproving tourists who looked at me like I was A) mental and B) the biggest cunt in the world. Ever.
I hung my head in shame, looked at Jamie and said “Right, we’re even.”
I just got out the river after that.
We kissed and made up though. During the photo session afterwards, I kissed the elephant on the trunk. It was disgusting, and hairy. Good photo though.
That night we tucked in to a bottle of vodka for something to do. Sat on our balcony, listening to music. Some times I just love a good balcony session.
Next day, did fuck all. We tried to lay on the grass at our guest house, get a tan and read books but it was so damn hot, at one point the thermometer on my phone (which was in the sun) said 49 degrees. I’ve not been that hot in years since I worked in Kos. Oh yeah, reading Keith Richards autobiography at the minute. Its pretty good. What a legend.
Next day was the 17th of May. The best day in the world. Because its my birthday. I got woken up by Jamie and Gail to shitloads of balloons, party blowers, a birthday mask in the shape of a butterfly, and given a huge indoor firework, a beer, and a sunflower. We later got told sunflower is called matahari in Malaysia, so I called him ‘Arry. Matt n ‘Arry. Get it? Good one that innit.
So, cracking start to my birthday, put a massive smile on my face. I necked the beer, cleaned my teeth, packed, and we all fucked off to the airport. We booked a flight to Penang because it was an 11 hour bus ride, or for an extra tenner we could get a 1 and half hour flight. It was my birthday so, why not treat myself ay. And what a treat it was. Got there and the plane was tiny, with propellers instead of jet engines. Never been on a plane like that before, well excited. Only problem was, Kuantan airport is THE deadest place ever. Same as Cherating. None of the shops were open, and being my birthday I just wanted to get on the beers. So we spoke to the only thing that was open, the information desk. She had to ring the shop owner, get her out of bed (it was 12pm), who then drove to the airport to open up. Mental. DO some FUCKIN’ work. Honestly, the Malaysians are awesome, I love ‘em but, the ones who work in shops are pretty much useless and brain dead. I’ve been told so many times “Ah, just go next door” cos they’re watching a film on the telly and can’t be bothered to get up. Its crazy.
Anyways, got a beer in finally, checked in and went through passport control wearing my birthday mask. Not once was I asked to remove it so they could check the photo. Mental. Had to burst all my ballons as they wouldnt let them on the plane. I was well gutted, I’d attached them all to my rucksack., Oh well. Got on the plane, it had 76 seats, only 20 people on the flight. Brilliant. I was well excited, got the stewardess to read out the birthdate on my passport, she smiled and gave me a well nice coffee and extra cake for free. Cake on my birthday! Brilliant. The flight was amazing, we were all so excited, you know when you’re in a go kart and you’re lower to the floor so you feel everything more? It was like that. Felt like I was sitting inside a Pringles tube. We only flew at 16,000 feet the whole trip so the views over Malaysia were amazing as we were below the clouds. But, the landing, fucking hell. He put one wheel down, then the plane wasn’t straight so when the other one hit, the plane straightened up but swayed hard ot the right, so much so I though the wing was gonna hit the ground. I shit myself, screamed out “FA-HUCKING ‘ELL!!!”, grabbed the seat in front of me, hung on for dear life, all the time the stewardess didn’t blink an eyelid. He then bolted straight off the run way at full speed in to the taxi lane, what a maniac!
Penang was good though, nice change from Cherating. Really good food. Had a top dinner. Went out after drinking 50% vodka, it was dead but we got on a cycle rickshaw. The guy was so drunk he couldnt cycle, so Jamie did it. We went to a massive night club. We were the only ones in it. Jamie stole the guys bottle of whiskey. We then went to some night market where a ladyboy was on stage, singing, dancing, loving life in front of hundreds of locals. Gail had a word, I then got dragged on stage where he sung happy birthday to me. It was ace. Kissed the lad on the lips then ran off. Let off the firework, it was wicked. I was sick. I’m never sick. I haven’t been sick on booze since I was 16 when me and Jay got ruined on tequilla down the Cricketers pub in Woking. Took a swig of that guys whiskey, it came straigh back up. Brilliant.
Friday night me and Jamie found a shop selling the cheapest beer in Malaysia. So we had a day session playing pool in our guest house. It was wicked. Then we found a bar that was doing a pool competition that night. By this time we were smashed, bowled up. Jamie only went and won the bloody pool competition didn’t he.
Whats that? How many people were in the pool competition? 2. Me and Jamie. No one else turned up. He won 50p.
Penang was nice, but you can do it in a day. Apparantly theres a massive temple there, the biggest one in Asia. I’m sick of temples, I don’t understand them, I’m not religious so I don’t get it really. We didn’t bother. Went to the old fort, they wanted to charge us to get in. Now, it was just a bit of really old wall. There was a huge mast, but it wasn’t attached to a ship. Made no sense. We didn’t go in. Best thing I did in Penang? Get a Mega Mac for breakfast after my birthday night out. Not a Big Mac. Oh no. A Mega Mac. Its got 4 burgers in it. Tremendous. We had a curry that night and it was better than what I was eating in India. Bootylicous.
Saturday was day 3 of my 4 day birthday bender. We got the ferry at 8am to Langkawi. Cheapest booze I’ve ever seen here cos its a duty free island. And its got a night club that had people in it. Jackpot.
Sat on the beach all day Sunday, got a right tan on. Oh, sorry, burn on. We all looked like lobsters. Found out that the diving here is crap. Also, we wanted to go on a fishing trip. The locals said don’t bother, you’ll catch tiddlers. So gutted. But, we’re so close to Thailand that we’re thinking of popping over for a few days. May as well. See what happens though.
Today I am hanging. ‘Arry got me mangled again last night. He loves a drink the cheeky devil. The locals are such good fun though. Day off for me today but what a birthday I had. Amazing. Loved it. Jamie and Gail are ace. But, not long now till I go home.
Still, gonna soak up as much sun, sand and sea as I can. I am well skint, so I don’t think I’ll be on an island again for a few years ha!
Make the most of it. Live the fucking dream.
When I go back to Kualu Lumpur, I’ve got a few days before I fly home. I am gonna get my hands on so much hooky gear its gonna be brilliant. Ray Bans, Rolex’s, Havianas, the lot. I’m gonna chuck everything out of my rucksack and load it right up Del Boy style.
East Londons gonna be full of dopey twats wearing yellow Ray Bans and crap Rolex’s when I get back. x