Cherating is the most boring place in Malaysia. Fact.
Thinking of going? Don’t bother.
Its like a ghost town. Even the restaurants and bars can’t be bothered to open up on some days. And the beach is shit. The sea is hotter than a bath, and beers are expensive, so you can’t even drink to get through it or give yourself something to do. We managed to convince a local to drive to the shops for us to get a crate in and at least have some beers that weren’t at an overly-inflated price.
Went to the Elephant sanctuary which is actually nearer KL on the West coast than it was to Cherating on the East coast! Took us over 3 hours to get there, but it was in a taxi (again, got a top price with a local fella who was so nice bless him) so the ride wasn’t too bad. Turns out the sanctuary look after elephants who no longer have a home in the wild due to deforestation. Herds just wander through towns and villages sometimes cos they’ve no where to go, so they rescue them and relocate them elsewhere. The ones at the sanctuary were either young or knackered. One had a foot missing, and one had a tail missing cos he lost out to a tiger! As they were trying to flog bananas to you to feed the elephants, one of the guides came up to me and Jamie and whispered “D’you want ot volunteer to feed the elephants?”. I almost bit his hand off, jumped at the chance! Pffffff, pay a quid for some bananas, or get in the cage with ‘em? Defientely volunteering. He wouldn’t let Gail do it, which at first we thought was really weird, but later realised she dodged a massive bullet with that one.
So, we went round the back of the cages leaving the other deluded tourists peeling banases then giving it to them. They’re elephants, they’ll eat the fucknig stalk mate, let alone the banana skin! Dopey bastards, sometimes I really do hate tourists! Anyways, I digress. Got round the back and the guide shoved a massive machette in our hands, pulled out a huge crate of papaya, and said “Right, chop that lot up in to chunks, and make sure your careful. We want the elephants to stay vegetarian if you get what I mean.” And then fucked off! We just looked at each other and thought, happy days! I’ve got a fucking machette! Got through the crate after what seemed like ages. Then, he demanded where to put the buckets of fruit, we had to lug huge bunches of sugar cane around, we were sweating our tits off! I was knackered, and literally couldn’t see what I was doing after a while for sweat in my eyes. We had to line all the fruit up outside the cage. After that, he said “Right, when the elephants all come out for the tourists and introduce themselves, come back here and as a special treat, you can feed the elephants.” As a special treat? I’ve just done your job! I should be on the fucking pay roll here son! So, did as we were told. Came back, Gail asked if she could come back and take photos whilst we fed them. Again, the guide said no. So off we trotted. One of us had to chuck fruit at the damn elephants to distract it, whist the other one squeezed between the bars, dumped the sugar cane and fruit in a pile on the floor, then got the fuck out before it turned around and charged at us. Oh yeah, well fun. Volunteering? More like getting mugged off in broad day light! Still, at least I had a go on a machette.
After that, we had a go on an elephant. He took me round this track, I didn’t really wanna do it but thought ‘I’ve just driven over 3 hours to come here, may as well tick the box’. Then, we got in the river and 3 elephants got in so we could wash them. Now, there must have been like 40 tourists there all gawping and oooing and aaaaaahring at them. One of them took a massive shit so 3 cannon balls of turd were floating downstream towards us. Everyone was trying to get out the way, then Jamie got his ‘triple dare’ revenge. Now, a couple of days ago as we were eating our Koko Krunch breakfast, I tripled dared him to do half a spoon of chocolate cereal, with the other half topped up with chilli sauce. Now, with a triple dare, you cannot say no. So he did it, poured the sauce on which made me gag, then took a massive mouthful and got it all in, at which point I gagged again, then he swallowed the lot. It was revolting, but he did it. Top lad. Now its my turn…
As these yellow balls of shit were coming towards us, Jamie turned to me, looked me in the eye and said “I TRIPLE dare you to chuck a turd at the elephant.”
Fuck sakes Jamie, you fucking BASTARD!
So, with all the tourists watching, and in one foul swoop, I delved my hand in to the river, scooped up the biggest one (it was still a bit gooey), then launched it back at the elephant that did the shit. I hit him straight on the arse. It made a massive slap noise. That was quickly followed by gasps from disapproving tourists who looked at me like I was A) mental and B) the biggest cunt in the world. Ever.
I hung my head in shame, looked at Jamie and said “Right, we’re even.”
I just got out the river after that.
We kissed and made up though. During the photo session afterwards, I kissed the elephant on the trunk. It was disgusting, and hairy. Good photo though.
That night we tucked in to a bottle of vodka for something to do. Sat on our balcony, listening to music. Some times I just love a good balcony session.
Next day, did fuck all. We tried to lay on the grass at our guest house, get a tan and read books but it was so damn hot, at one point the thermometer on my phone (which was in the sun) said 49 degrees. I’ve not been that hot in years since I worked in Kos. Oh yeah, reading Keith Richards autobiography at the minute. Its pretty good. What a legend.
Next day was the 17th of May. The best day in the world. Because its my birthday. I got woken up by Jamie and Gail to shitloads of balloons, party blowers, a birthday mask in the shape of a butterfly, and given a huge indoor firework, a beer, and a sunflower. We later got told sunflower is called matahari in Malaysia, so I called him ‘Arry. Matt n ‘Arry. Get it? Good one that innit.
So, cracking start to my birthday, put a massive smile on my face. I necked the beer, cleaned my teeth, packed, and we all fucked off to the airport. We booked a flight to Penang because it was an 11 hour bus ride, or for an extra tenner we could get a 1 and half hour flight. It was my birthday so, why not treat myself ay. And what a treat it was. Got there and the plane was tiny, with propellers instead of jet engines. Never been on a plane like that before, well excited. Only problem was, Kuantan airport is THE deadest place ever. Same as Cherating. None of the shops were open, and being my birthday I just wanted to get on the beers. So we spoke to the only thing that was open, the information desk. She had to ring the shop owner, get her out of bed (it was 12pm), who then drove to the airport to open up. Mental. DO some FUCKIN’ work. Honestly, the Malaysians are awesome, I love ‘em but, the ones who work in shops are pretty much useless and brain dead. I’ve been told so many times “Ah, just go next door” cos they’re watching a film on the telly and can’t be bothered to get up. Its crazy.
Anyways, got a beer in finally, checked in and went through passport control wearing my birthday mask. Not once was I asked to remove it so they could check the photo. Mental. Had to burst all my ballons as they wouldnt let them on the plane. I was well gutted, I’d attached them all to my rucksack., Oh well. Got on the plane, it had 76 seats, only 20 people on the flight. Brilliant. I was well excited, got the stewardess to read out the birthdate on my passport, she smiled and gave me a well nice coffee and extra cake for free. Cake on my birthday! Brilliant. The flight was amazing, we were all so excited, you know when you’re in a go kart and you’re lower to the floor so you feel everything more? It was like that. Felt like I was sitting inside a Pringles tube. We only flew at 16,000 feet the whole trip so the views over Malaysia were amazing as we were below the clouds. But, the landing, fucking hell. He put one wheel down, then the plane wasn’t straight so when the other one hit, the plane straightened up but swayed hard ot the right, so much so I though the wing was gonna hit the ground. I shit myself, screamed out “FA-HUCKING ‘ELL!!!”, grabbed the seat in front of me, hung on for dear life, all the time the stewardess didn’t blink an eyelid. He then bolted straight off the run way at full speed in to the taxi lane, what a maniac!
Penang was good though, nice change from Cherating. Really good food. Had a top dinner. Went out after drinking 50% vodka, it was dead but we got on a cycle rickshaw. The guy was so drunk he couldnt cycle, so Jamie did it. We went to a massive night club. We were the only ones in it. Jamie stole the guys bottle of whiskey. We then went to some night market where a ladyboy was on stage, singing, dancing, loving life in front of hundreds of locals. Gail had a word, I then got dragged on stage where he sung happy birthday to me. It was ace. Kissed the lad on the lips then ran off. Let off the firework, it was wicked. I was sick. I’m never sick. I haven’t been sick on booze since I was 16 when me and Jay got ruined on tequilla down the Cricketers pub in Woking. Took a swig of that guys whiskey, it came straigh back up. Brilliant.
Friday night me and Jamie found a shop selling the cheapest beer in Malaysia. So we had a day session playing pool in our guest house. It was wicked. Then we found a bar that was doing a pool competition that night. By this time we were smashed, bowled up. Jamie only went and won the bloody pool competition didn’t he.
Whats that? How many people were in the pool competition? 2. Me and Jamie. No one else turned up. He won 50p.
Penang was nice, but you can do it in a day. Apparantly theres a massive temple there, the biggest one in Asia. I’m sick of temples, I don’t understand them, I’m not religious so I don’t get it really. We didn’t bother. Went to the old fort, they wanted to charge us to get in. Now, it was just a bit of really old wall. There was a huge mast, but it wasn’t attached to a ship. Made no sense. We didn’t go in. Best thing I did in Penang? Get a Mega Mac for breakfast after my birthday night out. Not a Big Mac. Oh no. A Mega Mac. Its got 4 burgers in it. Tremendous. We had a curry that night and it was better than what I was eating in India. Bootylicous.
Saturday was day 3 of my 4 day birthday bender. We got the ferry at 8am to Langkawi. Cheapest booze I’ve ever seen here cos its a duty free island. And its got a night club that had people in it. Jackpot.
Sat on the beach all day Sunday, got a right tan on. Oh, sorry, burn on. We all looked like lobsters. Found out that the diving here is crap. Also, we wanted to go on a fishing trip. The locals said don’t bother, you’ll catch tiddlers. So gutted. But, we’re so close to Thailand that we’re thinking of popping over for a few days. May as well. See what happens though.
Today I am hanging. ‘Arry got me mangled again last night. He loves a drink the cheeky devil. The locals are such good fun though. Day off for me today but what a birthday I had. Amazing. Loved it. Jamie and Gail are ace. But, not long now till I go home.
Still, gonna soak up as much sun, sand and sea as I can. I am well skint, so I don’t think I’ll be on an island again for a few years ha!
Make the most of it. Live the fucking dream.
When I go back to Kualu Lumpur, I’ve got a few days before I fly home. I am gonna get my hands on so much hooky gear its gonna be brilliant. Ray Bans, Rolex’s, Havianas, the lot. I’m gonna chuck everything out of my rucksack and load it right up Del Boy style.
East Londons gonna be full of dopey twats wearing yellow Ray Bans and crap Rolex’s when I get back. x